Something in the air?

There must be, or else the Mayans were right. I haven't had as many quirky phone calls, drivers-thru, Sudafed wranglers or superfluous questions as the last couple days. Some of these include, but are not limited to:

• A MAN asking: Do you have yernary track?

Now, I was pretty much frozen at this point. I do have a urinary tract, as far as I know, but I wasn't convinced that's what was on his mind. "Do I have......" was my response. "Yernary track," was his retort. So, basically, right back to the beginning; as per usual. "Are you looking for a product or a body part?" was my question to his retort. "I'm not sure," was his answer.

I like where this exchange is headed. I'd like to have a shovel handy, just to scare away the riff-raff. I doubt corporate policy will allow this act. Shucks.

"I'm lookin' for it for my lady, y'know, fer down there," was his next utterance. "So you're looking for pain relief from a urinary tract infection?" was my question. "Well, no, um, well, fer, um, down, there, y'know, fer my lady....." "Sir, I really don't know what you're looking for and there is not a product called yernary track as far as I know," was my final answer. "Well, um, I guess, ahhh......" was his way of saying goodbye.

A hearty pat on the back to the first soul who knows what the fuck this guy wanted.

• Designer pill cases are now available as an impulse item. Even at $2.99, they are going like hotcakes. Back-scratchers (bamboo ones at that) are $0.99, nobody has bitten.

A fool and their money are easily parted. These pill cases are available in zebra, flower, elephant, other flower, fish, bug and some other ugly design I can't remember. I'm astonished we don't have them in leopard for our "cougar" population, who would most definitely keep their Lor-a-tab(s) in them. I think these things hold about 2 pills (Lor-a-tab sized, of course) and are exceedingly ugly. Now keep in mind we already give you a FREE light and child resistant container for your "pills" upon dispensing. Instead of keeping them in that silly thing, you'll instead put them in a 3 dollar piece-of-shit metal container. It is morally wrong for a sucker to keep his money. I'm going to move the back-scratchers front and center and see what shakes out. Now that is a good use of 99 cents if you ask me.

• Am I interrupting your conversation in the Drive-thru? I'm so sorry.

Yeah, not so much. We at the pharmacy have a few dos and don'ts for the DT. I'm kindly going to share them with you now so there won't be an incident:

1. DON'T push the call button. There is a loud doorbell inside signalling your arrival. You will wait an additional amount of time (varying by employee and district manager presence) if the button is pressed. Thank you.
2. DO tell us your name in a cohesive manner. I don't want backstory (ever) but particularly when there is a choo-choo line of anger behind you.
3. DON'T light up a smoke mid-transaction. I can understand smoking, really I can. I can also understand you can wait for 30 seconds so your discount menthols don't waft in and make me yak in the DT drawer. On second thought, light up. This could get interesting.
4. DO either speak loudly or shut off your radio/engine/both. I thought K-cars were from the late 80s. I thought it was publicly embarrassing to still listen to Whitesnake. I, of course, was/am wrong.
5. DON'T have a conversation/textversation while we're trying to help you. A woman today asked if I could hold on. I tried to think of a shorter word than NO, but that was the best I could do. This was in the midst of trying to obtain her worker's comp info, mind you. Where's that shovel?
6. DO bring us lots and lots of goodies. We never get anything. We're expected to shove sunshine and rainbows through that fucking drawer all day and get nothing but grief and attitude in return.
7. DON'T even expect to sit there while your script is being filled. Enough said already. Shouldn't have to be said, already. Maybe we can come out and squeegee the windshield for you? How's your oil level? Air in your tires? Drive the fuck around.

• I silently pray (hourly) for the death of the sole person responsible for putting Sudafed behind the counter. Keeping a federal registry on this is just another reason government should take some advise from regular joes like me and any Pharmacist in the world.

They're (tweakers) going to buy/steal the combo products? Really? They're (methheads) making meth with acetone and a coat hanger and vinegar and a cooler in their basement. You really think the have the technology or know-how or resources ($) to extract Sudafed out of an extended release preparation of Claritin-D? Do you George W? Oh, that's right, you were a "C" student on your Daddy's word at Yale. What'd you major in again? Not meth making, I'd bet. Now, that being said, I've never made meth either, but I know it's not going to be with Zyrtec-D. The pollen is out and the masses are flocking to get "dried up" by the wrong drug. I'm gonna put this out there: C-E-T-I-R-I-Z-N-E. In most cases, 95/100 I'd say, that's your winner. Stop getting the pseudoephedrine products unless I deem you need them.

• A lady I was counseling about her anxiety meds kept saying "that's what she said."

She was talking about her female doctors comments matching mine, of course. What'd you think I meant? Get your dirty mind out of the gutter.

• An abundance of the moon howlers lately.

The crazy eyes type. The kind of crazy that looks through you like they're dancing in "Thriller." I'm a little skittish of these types; they may want to eat you, they may want to be a friend. I'm not a fan of either option, frankly.

• It's my fault your prescriber doesn't know how to use a fucking computer or know what day it is.

You're yelling at the wrong cowboy, kimosabe. Look, when the script is DENIED in my system for "Already responded by other means" by your prescriber, who went to college for at least 6 years; then I'm assuming they know how to "respond by other means." Needless to say, I've made an ass of you and me several times in the last couple days. I'm not sure where these "other means responses" have ended up, but it ain't with me. Also, if your prescriber post-dates the prescription because of retardedness, let it be known my name is not Marty nor do I have access to a flux capacitor nor do i know what a jiagwatt is. It'll have to wait until tomorrow, Chachie.

I've aired some grievances and feel a little better. I think I'm going to buy a back scratcher now.