Nothing to do with Pharmacy

Do me a favor, try not to laugh at this. Can't be done.



Go shorty, it's your birthday.

The Ten Pharmacy Commandments

These Commandments shall hereby be anointed Pharmacy Law. Breaking of any rules shall be punishable by revocation of Drive-thru privileges. Any backlash and I will smite the to ye end of the pick-up line for eternity.


I. Thou shalt not lie. About reasons for needing a controlled substance earlier than dictated by correct days' supply of a prescription. Vacations, funerals, funerals while vacationing, loss due to toilet-hovering while attempting to pour medication in the hand, or loss due to uncontrolled children/pets will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of Pharmacy Law (and Jesus).



B. Thou shalt not press the Drive-Thru call button. This offense is punishable by death. Your Hell will include a person using your nipples as the call buttons of a drive-thru.

3. If thou can't find it, ye can't have it. I'm a pharmacist not a directory in a shopping mall. I don't know where the Herbal Essentials Green tea Lite is. I'm sorry. Nor do I know where the strange and/or fictitious supplement is that you MUST have. Lastly, you know my stance on shoelaces.

IV. Thou shall recognize the clock as an essential part of a functional society. When asked a pick up time for an order, a concrete and fair time must be given. Unacceptable times include, but are not limited to:

• later
• after dinner
• after lunch
• today or tomorrow
• I don't know
• I'm not sure
• after I work out
• after work
• after I do some "running around"
• when I'm done with my errands
• after the grocery store
• after we go out to eat
• after the movies
• sometime later on
• 10 minutes
• I'm on my way now
• when it's ready
• when I get around to it
• whenever I can get a ride

The words out of your mouth better be in this format:

• XX:XX a.m.
• XX:XX p.m.
• XX:XX (military); who says I'm not flexible?

Five. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's insurance. Your copay is what it is. I have no magic, black or otherwise, to lower it. Twenty dollars to extend your miserable life is really not to much to ask. How much do you spend for beer? for restaurant food? for entertainment? Without the medication that extends your life, none of that would be possible. This is America, the greatest show on Earth. Would you rather be in Bangladesh dodging a tidal wave? Would you like to be eating in a fine Hatian restaurant? I hear the special there is great. If you like cannibalism, that is. Perhaps you'd like to be eating rice out of your own shoe in Chile? What's that? Yes twenty fucking dollars is right.

F. Thou shalt not partake in the use of technological devices. Put the phone down. You are not important. You may think you are important, but trust me, you're not. So put your phone on mute and listen to me so you don't end up with someone else's meds or pay an exorbitant amount without even realizing it. Example:

Pharmacy Staff: That'll be $4,237.96.

Dickhead on cell: Yeah, no, that was awesome. Dude, no, you didn't. What'd she say? Seriously? What did you...hold on, hold on. (to other dickhead) What? (to PS)

PS: $4,237.96. Did you have a new ins-

DOC: HERE! (agitatedly tosses credit card in drive-thru drawer) Okay, I'm back. (to other DH) Yeah, that was the shiiiit. Dude, I was so fucked up. I know right? Yeah she was.

PS: Okay Mr. Head, you're all set. Any ques-

DOC: Nope, I'm good. (pulls out hastily --- if only his father had done that in the first place)

Of course you know what comes next. They realize they just mortgaged a prescription and the calamity ensues.

7. Thou shalt not argue with the advisor. If you asketh me, I will telleth you. Don't try to barter or make me somehow implicated in the notion you have a clue about treating the common cold. You don't. If you did, you'd need not asketh about whatever flashy green, yellow and purple box is in your hand. Stay away from the dressy boxes. They are shiny, like fishing lures; they're intended to catch your intention. Holy Mackerel.

VIII. Thou shalt not kill (the messenger). Being the insurance company's go between, life is always a touchy situation. I'm forced to tell you that IF prior authorization is obtained (laughing break), you're still going to be out 75 bucks. That dog most certainly won't hunt. I tell you there is a generic alternative. You tell me that you read online that generics aren't as good. You failed to realize your were on the Merck/AstraZeneca/ScheringPlough/Glaxo/SmithKline/Lilly website (seriously, isn't there just one big brand company now?). I am then forced to tell you there is no other way out. Luckily, the DT glass is bulletproof.

9. Thou shalt not ring out more than three items at the pharmacy register. I'm not lazy, I just had hoped the years of college had afforded me a higher place in life. Leave your water in the cart and push it to the front. Don't even think of putting that Snuggie on my counter. No, I don't know the sign said that those cookies were a dollar off. You probably got them in the wrong spot, because we don't keep E.L. Fudge next to the K.Y. Jelly. They both sound delicious, but only one of them is. Probably, some little snot rocket left them there with the lubes when mommy said: "Aiden, where'd you get those? Put them down this instant!" Aiden obliged and there you go. K.Y. cookies. Not a delight.

TEN. Thou shalt not ring out any items unless pursuant to a prescription transaction. No, you may not ring out here "real quick." I don't care if the line up front is filled with animals two by two. I don't care if I'm staring longingly at the clock while the line is filled with Noah's passengers. I can't help you are ashamed of your cooter medicine or that you don't want anyone seeing you buy rubbers. I refuse simply by principle. My employer, however, does not. So I guess this last commandment is in vain. Here endeth the lesson.

Wax on, Wane off

I thought briefly there was a full moon today; and the last day I worked. Come to think of it, most days seem like a full moon. Now, we all know the "crazies" come out for the full moon. I seem to think the waxing and waning phases are dramatically overlooked. It's not science at all, it's just when people are most likely to be out and about. Limiting odd behavior to one day in every thirty or so is just not fair to the masses. I have proof.

• I called a pediatrician's office and was put on hold. The song playing? Supercalifragilisticexpyaladocious. No shit. I told the nurse I preferred "A spoonful of sugar." I know, I know.
• A man asked me if candy counted as food. I told him to take his amoxicillin/clavulanate with food. I didn't want the argument. I hope he enjoyed his candy.
• A young woman inquired to which caffeine "supplement" was the best. I told her none of them were any- "My friend's a stripper," she interrupted. I think we all know that by "her friend" she meant "her." I hope her shift went well. Can you really nod off during a table dance? Just sayin'
• Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River" played 3 times in 2½ hours. Someone at the muzak company needs to take alertness lessons from motivated strippers. That way, I won't have to listen to the same horrible fucking song over and over. And over.
• That same someone seems to think playing Avril Lavigne is a good fucking idea. Well, someone, it's not. So play me some Mary Poppins like the kid's office.
• "You should try Zyrtec," I told a customer. "Oh. So, Sudafed then?" was the reply.
• "You should try Zyrtec," I told a customer. "Oh. So, wait, what?" was the reply.
• "You should try Zyrtec," I told a customer. "Oh. So, Mucinex then? was the reply.
• I'm trying to think of a more direct way to advise the use of Zyrtec. I'll think of something.
• I have a deaf man who calls and apparently stutters while signing. Didn't know that was possible. Every interpreter says: ooh, okay, um, ooh, well, okay between phrases/questions that make less sense than that.

All of these things happened when not a full moon. I'm scared. Really scared. I'm suggesting Mucinex only on March 30. If you have anything other than chest congestion that day and you come to my store, you're screwed. Maybe the full moon reverse psychology will result in people saying: "Oh. So, Zyrtec then?"

Congratulations Old White Man

You've made my list. I've had a bone to pick for quite a while now, been stowing this angst for far too long. Lately, the old white man has been a real annoyance. Look, I respect the fact that you fought for our country in WWII, Korea, Vietnam or whatever war appears on your mesh baseball hat. Really, I do; both my grandpas were vets. That does not give you, however, the free reign to ask where the hydrogen peroxide is whenever you want. Peeking over some unsuspecting young lady's shoulder and smellily asking where the whereabouts of hydrogen peroxide is just downright creepy. Also, I'm guessing it's not your first foray into the hydrogen peroxide experiments. I don't want to know what you are using it for, nor do I care. The hydrogen peroxide is probably where it's been for the last 50 years since you've been buying it - the first aid section. See my previous article about shopping and your son with the shiny jacket.

Why do you need new shoelaces all the time? Why do you think they are kept in the pharmacy? I don't know what passed for medication in the service, but I don't think it had anything to do with shoelaces. Usually, when I need new shoelaces, my shoes have far surpassed their use. Usually, a snapped lace is a signal for me to get new kicks. Not you. You'll hang on to those scrappy loafers until the soles have worn through. They're in aisle 5 I think. Maybe aisle 7. I'm not sure, you'd think I'd know by now. I'm gonna learn that the next time I traverse to the bathroom at work.

Your copay has nothing to do with Obama. Really. He does happen to be half not the color of your skin. He has nothing to do with your copay. He may have some radical ideas. I may not agree with them, but it's not because of his skin color. I don't agree with some of his policies, which have nothing to do with his heritage. Look, I know every drug in the world should cost no more than $1.75 in your eyes, but it's just not so. This has nothing to do with our president. I understand he looks different from you and me, but he hasn't had any influence on your copay. If you want to blame someone, it's GW, not Obama.

To conclude, old man, you don't get to be crotchety just because. The world is not out to get you. I have no agenda, and I don't know how to make your medicine cost less. If I did, I would do it so I wouldn't have to have the same pointless conversation. This is not a negotiation, it is a copay; know the difference. At least you get a discount at Denny's.

I don't. I have to pay fully price for the "Moons over my Hammy." You think about that, old man.