I. Thou shalt not lie. About reasons for needing a controlled substance earlier than dictated by correct days' supply of a prescription. Vacations, funerals, funerals while vacationing, loss due to toilet-hovering while attempting to pour medication in the hand, or loss due to uncontrolled children/pets will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of Pharmacy Law (and Jesus).
B. Thou shalt not press the Drive-Thru call button. This offense is punishable by death. Your Hell will include a person using your nipples as the call buttons of a drive-thru.
3. If thou can't find it, ye can't have it. I'm a pharmacist not a directory in a shopping mall. I don't know where the Herbal Essentials Green tea Lite is. I'm sorry. Nor do I know where the strange and/or fictitious supplement is that you MUST have. Lastly, you know my stance on shoelaces.
IV. Thou shall recognize the clock as an essential part of a functional society. When asked a pick up time for an order, a concrete and fair time must be given. Unacceptable times include, but are not limited to:
- later
- after dinner
- after lunch
- today or tomorrow
- I don't know
- I'm not sure
- after I work out
- after work
- after I do some "running around"
- when I'm done with my errands
- after the grocery store
- after we go out to eat
- after the movies
- sometime later on
- 10 minutes
- I'm on my way now
- when it's ready
- when I get around to it
- whenever I can get a ride
The words out of your mouth better be in this format:
- XX:XX a.m.
- XX:XX p.m.
- XX:XX (military); who says I'm not flexible?
Five. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's insurance. Your copay is what it is. I have no magic, black or otherwise, to lower it. Twenty dollars to extend your miserable life is really not to much to ask. How much do you spend for beer? for restaurant food? for entertainment? Without the medication that extends your life, none of that would be possible. This is America, the greatest show on Earth. Would you rather be in Bangladesh dodging a tidal wave? Would you like to be eating in a fine Hatian restaurant? I hear the special there is great. If you like cannibalism, that is. Perhaps you'd like to be eating rice out of your own shoe in Chile? What's that? Yes twenty fucking dollars is right.
F. Thou shalt not partake in the use of technological devices. Put the phone down. You are not important. You may think you are important, but trust me, you're not. So put your phone on mute and listen to me so you don't end up with someone else's meds or pay an exorbitant amount without even realizing it. Example:
Pharmacy Staff: That'll be $4,237.96.
Dickhead on cell: Yeah, no, that was awesome. Dude, no, you didn't. What'd she say? Seriously? What did you...hold on, hold on. (to other dickhead) What? (to PS)
PS: $4,237.96. Did you have a new ins-
DOC: HERE! (agitatedly tosses credit card in drive-thru drawer) Okay, I'm back. (to other DH) Yeah, that was the shiiiit. Dude, I was so fucked up. I know right? Yeah she was.
PS: Okay Mr. Head, you're all set. Any ques-
DOC: Nope, I'm good. (pulls out hastily --- if only his father had done that in the first place)
Of course you know what comes next. They realize they just mortgaged a prescription and the calamity ensues.
7. Thou shalt not argue with the advisor. If you asketh me, I will telleth you. Don't try to barter or make me somehow implicated in the notion you have a clue about treating the common cold. You don't. If you did, you'd need not asketh about whatever flashy green, yellow and purple box is in your hand. Stay away from the dressy boxes. They are shiny, like fishing lures; they're intended to catch your intention. Holy Mackerel.
VIII. Thou shalt not kill (the messenger). Being the insurance company's go between, life is always a touchy situation. I'm forced to tell you that IF prior authorization is obtained (laughing break), you're still going to be out 75 bucks. That dog most certainly won't hunt. I tell you there is a generic alternative. You tell me that you read online that generics aren't as good. You failed to realize your were on the Merck/AstraZeneca/ScheringPlough/Glaxo/SmithKline/Lilly website (seriously, isn't there just one big brand company now?). I am then forced to tell you there is no other way out. Luckily, the DT glass is bulletproof.
9. Thou shalt not ring out more than three items at the pharmacy register. I'm not lazy, I just had hoped the years of college had afforded me a higher place in life. Leave your water in the cart and push it to the front. Don't even think of putting that Snuggie on my counter. No, I don't know the sign said that those cookies were a dollar off. You probably got them in the wrong spot, because we don't keep E.L. Fudge next to the K.Y. Jelly. They both sound delicious, but only one of them is. Probably, some little snot rocket left them there with the lubes when mommy said: "Aiden, where'd you get those? Put them down this instant!" Aiden obliged and there you go. K.Y. cookies. Not a delight.
TEN. Thou shalt not ring out any items unless pursuant to a prescription transaction. No, you may not ring out here "real quick." I don't care if the line up front is filled with animals two by two. I don't care if I'm staring longingly at the clock while the line is filled with Noah's passengers. I can't help you are ashamed of your cooter medicine or that you don't want anyone seeing you buy rubbers. I refuse simply by principle. My employer, however, does not. So I guess this last commandment is in vain. Here endeth the lesson.
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