Nurse, turn down the a.c.

It's not what you're thinking. Air conditioning is not needed in the northeast when the "storm of the century" is brewing. No, a.c. pertains to the Latin abbreviation, or "sig" code (in the pharmacy world) meaning "before a meal." Let me elaborate. You see, some drugs need to be taken with regard to a meal in order for them to be efficacious. There is an omeprazole drug, for example, that rhymes with Shmegerid, in which this is sometimes the case. There is much debate whether it does or does not have to be taken with regard to meals. Now, omeprazole is used primarily for stomach acid reflux (GERD). Some people will have more problems with acid at night instead of during the day. This is because laying down will allow gravity to seep the stomach acid past your weak little gastroesophageal sphincter and into your esophagus. Sound uncomfortable? It is.

Now, let's say, let's just say, a nurse sends an electronic prescription to me shortly before it's time for me to slide down the old dinosaur. If you don't know the Flintstones, shame on you. Anyways, so the rx comes over as such:

Schmegerid 40 shmilligrams
#30
sig: 1 capsule po qd hs ac

Now, if you can read Latin abbreviations, you know this doctor/nurse is a rehtard. The sig reads as written: Take 1 capsule every day at bedtime before a meal. So I read this and mouth "what the fuck?" and proceed to call the MD office. I think we'll all have a good chuckle, I'll change the sig to just at bedtime or some shit and I'll go home and wallow in my own runny-nosed misery. No such luck. The call went a little something like this:

"Registered Nurse": Hello, Dr. Soandso's office....

"Me, not a retard": Hi, MNR from Blahblah Pharmacy, how are you?

"RN": Good (or something, I don't really listen, it's just an empathy trick to make them think I'm not a dick)

MNR: Calling on the rx with the sig 1 qd hs ac

"RN": AND........(agitatedly)

MNR: Uhhh, those directions don't make sense.

"RN": (huffily) Wellll, we write it like that alllll the time.

MNR: That may be so, but it doesn't make the directions coherent. Increasing the repetition of an action does not necessarily have a directly proportional result in regard to accuracy or understandability on a patient's behalf.

Now, I think this statement might have been the back-breaker.

"RN":...........

MNR: Hello?

"RN": So, what is your point? What are you calling for?

MNR: To clarify the directions on the Schmegerid.

"RN": 1 PO QD HS AC!!!!!

MNR: Yes, I'd agree that's what the rx says. To accomplish this, however, the patient would have to take the drug at bedtime and then consume a meal while she was asleep. That doesn't seem like doctorly advise to me.

"RN": Sighhhhhhhh. Well....what do you write when you want them to take it not with food?

MNR: On an empty stomach. Before a meal means before a meal, not an empty stomach.

"RN": Fine, 1 po qhs, okay? Are you happy? Geez, I dunno what your problem is...

MNR: No, I'm not happy. Not it the least. So, 1 po qhs? Great. Your name plea-

"RN": CLICK

Oh no she didn't. Oh my gooooodnessss. Now it was on:

• til the break of dawn
• like donkey kong
• I just realized, there's not may other ways to end "it's on"

I called back and a different person answered the phone.

MNR: Hi, I was just speaking with someone about directions on a prescription, may I please just have her name so I can document the change on the rx for legal purposes?

Other Lady: Ohh. Sure it's Retarda.

MNR: Thanks much, may I ask, is she a nurse?

OL: No, she's an R.N.

MNR: You mean R.N. as in a Registered Nurse?

OL: Yeah, that's right.

MNR: You have quite a tight ship over there.

It appears that nobody in this office understand basic communication. I'll spare the rest, but it ends with the doctor calling back and the nurse chewing on a big shit-filled burrito of shame. Recognize, biznatch, R to the Ph.

It's Called Shopping.

Yes, you. You're the middle-aged man sent to a strange and scary place. You've been sent on a witch hunt for a crazy concoction (by your over-stressed wife or other legal guardian living in your residence). You've paced an aisle not really looking, but you do look flabbergasted. I've looked up to keep tabs on things, make sure nobody is at the counter and our eyes meet for a nanosecond. You've mistaken this as an invitation. I've realized you're going to ask me. For what seems like an eternity and a brief moment at the same time I try to get in a sip of coffee, but....there you are. You're in front of me. You have on a shimmering sports team jacket. You don't smell bad, but you certainly don't smell good in any way. Is that a musty smell? You're out of breath and slightly panicked. I think you have some important news. Actually, I know you don't, but it'd be a refreshing change. Instead, your "c'mon hurry up" nature is prevalent. It's palpable how anxious you are to get back home and watch some sporting event on television; perhaps one that features your shimmering jacket team. I pretend nobody is there. You drop your keys on the counter. I pretend I can't hear metal meeting Formica. You cough not because you have to or you are ill, but to grab my attention. I don't hear attention coughing. You sigh loudly and tap your fingertips on the counter. My technician is on the phone. My other technician is at the drive-through. Shit. It's down to me. Finally, after all this transpires (in a span of 5 seconds, what horrible customer service) I turn to you and say: "Can I help y.... You interrupt rudely: "Is children's Benadryl the same as adult Benadryl?"

Now I get it. You're Benadryl guy. You've been sent to procure one item and one item alone. You have no intentions on perusing our sunglasses, shoelaces (only 'old guy' asks us for those - another entry for another day) shaving creams, cotton balls, candy bars or even our sweatpants. No, you've been sent on a one item mission. You've failed before you've tried. You see, sir, "shopping" is not pacing around for ten seconds pretending to look and then asking the pharmacy staff. Try reading the fucking signs. Those are the words, giant words, plastered above the cough and cold section. They may indeed hold the key to your journey. I definitely hold the key to your journey, but that's like President for a hall pass (overkill). Just take a deep breath and look at the signs and you'll be home in no time not hanging up your shimmering team sports jacket and lounging not gracefully whilst balancing a beer on your stomach.

Or, maybe I'll just do what I always do. I'll point to the back wall, in true Sherpa fashion, and squint a little so it looks like I care. Then I'll tell you the "adult liquid Benadryl" is within that subsector, but cleverly hidden in the "children's" section. You'll come back and say it doesn't say anything about adults on the bottle. I'll laugh on the inside. It's a dirty little dance, but something has to entertain me throughout the day. Look, just make it seem like you tried, alright? Just act a little and I'll even come out and hand it to you. Just don't be that guy.