Question: Do I need to bring my insurance card to the pharmacy when intending to fill a prescription?
Answer: No. It is widely known that ALL pharmacies have a global list of all people and their current corresponding prescription coverage. Often times, we don't even need to know your name. We have a billing algorithm shenanigans system (BASS) that allows us to automatically know whom and where to bill.
Q: Will the pharmacy know my copay before I divulge any information about myself or my insurance plan?
A: Yes. Thanks to our previously mentioned billing algorithm shenanigans system (BASS as it will be referred to from here on out), we can identify a copay immediately. Our system allows us to circumvent the prior auth process and tell you the copay amount within seconds of looking at a prescription.
Q: Will I be satisfied with the copay?
A: Yes. All copays are exactly the price you were thinking or less. No medical condition, regardless of severity or complexity will yield an excessive copay for needed therapy. Examples of covered items include, but are not limited to:
- Pravastatin, Lisinopril, Clopidogrel, and all prescription drugs
- Chocolate or Vanilla pudding (Lemon no longer formulary)
- Biologic agents
- Bug spray
- Herbal products
- Shampoo
- Any OTC product*
Q: After dropping off a prescription, may I stand at the drop-off window or other window I've incorrectly used to drop off the prescription?
A: Yes. While staring at people when they are working is traditionally considered rude and creepy, it does not apply to the world of pharmacy. You may stand and stare, tap, drop keys, hum to the muzac, whistle, talk incessantly about the weather, complain about your doctor, ask repetitious interrupting questions, ask where the bathroom is or simply ask what time it is. The clock in front of you is analog, so we're glad to read it for you.
Q: Is there a threshold to how many times I may ask the same question in order to induce the pharmacist to agree with my initial self-assessment of my medical concern?
A: No. The more times we are able to answer the same question, the better we feel our time is used. Feel free to phrase it differently if you feel it's appropriate.
Q: Is there a situation that is too outlandish to request a controlled substance to be filled early?
A: No. It is widely known that the ratio of controlled substances taken is directly proportional to the amount of:
- Vacations taken
- Funerals attended
- Times medication has been lost
- Strange places to drop medication
- Doctors visited to treat the same condition
- Insurances that will cover multiple prescriptions for the same exact therapies
A: Yes. It is a shame that large corporations don't put in any type of loud, piercing, or obnoxious buzzer to signal a driver's arrival. It is most helpful and boosts employee moral to signal us the very second you arrive.
Q: What behaviors are acceptable in the drive-through?
A: Acceptable behaviors include, but are not limited to: Arguing, smoking, having a loud engine that you refuse to shut off, allowing children to scream, parking too far away and complaining the drawer is not long enough or your arms are too short, spitting, talking on your cell phone, text messaging, eating, drinking, talking too softly, refusing to come in if the parcel is too large to fit through the drawer, swearing and masturbation.
Q: Does the magnetic strip on my credit or debit card need to be operational?
A: No. It can be scratched, cracked, split in half, covered in wallet scum of unknown origins, or be missing the strip all together. Not your problem.
Q: Do I really have to show my driver's license or other legal photo I.D. when purchasing a pseudoephedrine product?
A: No. Federal regulations put in place since 2004 do not apply to you. Everybody else, however, will still be required to oblige the Combat Meth Act.
This is not a complete list, keep in mind. I hope this takes care of some concerns among pharmacy patrons and will make patient relations smoother in the future.
