Patients are constantly in need of attention, help, validation and more validation. I have concocted a translation guide for employees of pharmacies everywhere. I'm confident this will be universal in nature.
Question from Patient: Do you know how much that's gonna be?
Translation: I'm not spending more than 5 dollars on this goddamn thing. Also, I don't plan on waiting more than 7 seconds for a valid answer. That valid answer had better be less than 5 dollars or I'm going to throw my arms in the air and mutter 'forget it then' and storm off like you just insulted my mother. Way to go, a-hole.
Q: A confused person is wandering near the pharmacy looking in every nook and cranny.
T: I have no idea where your bathroom is and don't know what one looks like. I do know how to read, but refuse to out of principle. My back teeth are floating over here, and NOBODY will stop with their "work" and lead me to the restroom. I will continue to look for holes in the merchandise that is in now way a door and look amazed that there is not a bathroom there. I may just pee in the next door-like opening I see.
Q: Is this good?
T: I have a medical condition of some sort, but want you to guess what it is. I refuse to answer your direct questions about the runny-ness of my nose or if I feel congested. I will tell you a story about somebody I know and how they said this product should work for my supposed condition. When probed about the medical background of the recommender, I will be vague and make them sound sophisticated. They are not.
Q: How do I go about transferring my prescriptions?
T: I have no intention of doing any work in this process. I hate my other pharmacy and will soon hate you also. After 2 or 3 or even 4 pharmacies, I will still blame the staff, insurance, doctor and possibly my dog. He keeps burying my controlled substances in the backyard. I am in no way responsible for my own actions and I find it offensive when you ask if I have my insurance card with me. You people are all the same, don't you know that information without any guidance?
Q: How long will this take?
T: I have errand(s) to run and will be back when they are done. I will give you no certain times, as I have no idea things take to complete (throughout life). The answer should be "whenever you return, sir/ma'am. It will appear as if magic has entered the building.
Commentary: I've just about had it with Landmark Time(TM). That is when people will give you a time based upon the interpretation of their lives instead of using the clock. (It's like when giving directions, instead of using road names or route numbers, they use landmarks. How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Oh, simple. Just go to the Texaco station, turn right and then turn left at the Denny's. The restaurant? No, the other Denny's.) Most of society has used the clock to differentiate amounts of time for thousands of years. Not anymore. Nowadays, it's "after I go to Wal-Mart or "after I go to the bank" or "after I pick up my kids" or "after my vasectomy" or something like that. I can't stands me anymore of it, I tells ya! People often puts 's' at the end of words, too. Like 'yous' or 'guys' or 'yous guys'. I don't follow. Sorry.
Q: What's good for sinus?
T: I WANT MUCINEX. You could recommend anything and give a detailed, well thought-out explanation using non-jargon and evidence-based medicine. No good, Jose. I WANT MUCINEX. If what you are recommending does not have mucus carrying luggage, count me out. You and your fancy medicines....why do I bother asking?
