Spring Cleaning? That's a Bunch of Jibber-Jabber.

I actually don't know what jibber-jabber is. I remember Mr. T mumbling it in a commercial, though and it stuck. Anywho, a lady brought in a coupon today. Why is this significant? Aren't coupons brought in every day? How else could she save money? All valid questions, but this one was different. This coupon brought me back to a simpler time. Yes, I remember it like it was...acutally....it's a little foggy. 1988. That's right, 1988. The fucking thing EXPIRED in 1988. That means the Good Housekeeping/Family Circle/Playgirl (whatever, it was cut out - who knows) was actually circa 1987ish. Good Lord, woman, it's time to do some recycling or burning or something.

The best part is that she tried to play it off like it wasn't from Mark McGwire's rookie season. I had her, though. "Sorry, ma'am, this expired when Reagan was in office." I never thought I'd get to say those words. Babies born during that coupon can now buy alcohol. The Berlin Wall was still erect. So, I informed her the product was defunct and she was crestfallen. I'm not sure if it was because her leg cramps would continue or if because she now knew it was not 1988. I'm hoping the former, but the latter is probably a better bet.

I hava quick question....

No, you don't. That's what I'm gonna say the next time someone leans around and rudely chirps at me. You see, quick question asker, quick questions are rapid in nature. "Quickies," as I like to call them, really mean they want to waste some of your time. But, asking "Can I waste some of your time?" doesn't sound quite as enticing.

Acceptable Quick Questions:

• where's the Benadryl?
• how late are you open?
• what's the square root of 49?
• what time is it?
• what time do you open?
• and so on

UNacceptable "Quick" Questions/scenarios:

• where's the bathroom? (don't fucking ask me - just look; it's probably where there's not shit on shelves waiting to be bought. If you see a door-sized opening in the merchandise, look in there. If there's a lock with a combination key pad, you can't go in there. Another hint: it's not in the aisles)
• nothing that starts with: yeaaahhh, uhhhh, my mom said....
• nothing that starts with: yeaaaahh, uhhhh, my doctor said.....
• I was wondering if you could help me? (already again not with the quickness)
• anything pertaining to a fictitious product which may or may not help an ailment (e.g. coconut burn oil cream facewash)
• do not pause after stating you have a quick question - very common. This ensures that your inquiry is not rapid in any way, shape or form
• and so on

Changing gears, I have a beef with those whom solicit my opinion only for argument's sake. To clarify, don't ask my "expertise" only to argue with me. I know my shit and you have no idea what an antihistamine is or does. I know it's hard to trust someone with nothing to gain when the makers of the product with everything to gain market it to your ignorance. To clarify, that means that the box is a fucking liar. It is not just for allergy. It will not actually decongest. No, pseudoephedrine won't help a runny nose. No, it won't. Really. Look, if you don't choose to agree with me, then so be it. Just don't argue with me. Simply say "thanks" or "whatever" and buy what you want. It's no skin off my nose, I don't have to put up with your sniffling, stuffy, sick ass at home. If you'd like to buy a box of walking mucous with a suitcase, fine. Just know that your mucous doesn't have luggage, nor does it wear a suit nor a hat.

Remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask them.