Nurse, turn down the a.c.

It's not what you're thinking. Air conditioning is not needed in the northeast when the "storm of the century" is brewing. No, a.c. pertains to the Latin abbreviation, or "sig" code (in the pharmacy world) meaning "before a meal." Let me elaborate. You see, some drugs need to be taken with regard to a meal in order for them to be efficacious. There is an omeprazole drug, for example, that rhymes with Shmegerid, in which this is sometimes the case. There is much debate whether it does or does not have to be taken with regard to meals. Now, omeprazole is used primarily for stomach acid reflux (GERD). Some people will have more problems with acid at night instead of during the day. This is because laying down will allow gravity to seep the stomach acid past your weak little gastroesophageal sphincter and into your esophagus. Sound uncomfortable? It is.

Now, let's say, let's just say, a nurse sends an electronic prescription to me shortly before it's time for me to slide down the old dinosaur. If you don't know the Flintstones, shame on you. Anyways, so the rx comes over as such:

Schmegerid 40 shmilligrams
#30
sig: 1 capsule po qd hs ac

Now, if you can read Latin abbreviations, you know this doctor/nurse is a rehtard. The sig reads as written: Take 1 capsule every day at bedtime before a meal. So I read this and mouth "what the fuck?" and proceed to call the MD office. I think we'll all have a good chuckle, I'll change the sig to just at bedtime or some shit and I'll go home and wallow in my own runny-nosed misery. No such luck. The call went a little something like this:

"Registered Nurse": Hello, Dr. Soandso's office....

"Me, not a retard": Hi, MNR from Blahblah Pharmacy, how are you?

"RN": Good (or something, I don't really listen, it's just an empathy trick to make them think I'm not a dick)

MNR: Calling on the rx with the sig 1 qd hs ac

"RN": AND........(agitatedly)

MNR: Uhhh, those directions don't make sense.

"RN": (huffily) Wellll, we write it like that alllll the time.

MNR: That may be so, but it doesn't make the directions coherent. Increasing the repetition of an action does not necessarily have a directly proportional result in regard to accuracy or understandability on a patient's behalf.

Now, I think this statement might have been the back-breaker.

"RN":...........

MNR: Hello?

"RN": So, what is your point? What are you calling for?

MNR: To clarify the directions on the Schmegerid.

"RN": 1 PO QD HS AC!!!!!

MNR: Yes, I'd agree that's what the rx says. To accomplish this, however, the patient would have to take the drug at bedtime and then consume a meal while she was asleep. That doesn't seem like doctorly advise to me.

"RN": Sighhhhhhhh. Well....what do you write when you want them to take it not with food?

MNR: On an empty stomach. Before a meal means before a meal, not an empty stomach.

"RN": Fine, 1 po qhs, okay? Are you happy? Geez, I dunno what your problem is...

MNR: No, I'm not happy. Not it the least. So, 1 po qhs? Great. Your name plea-

"RN": CLICK

Oh no she didn't. Oh my gooooodnessss. Now it was on:

• til the break of dawn
• like donkey kong
• I just realized, there's not may other ways to end "it's on"

I called back and a different person answered the phone.

MNR: Hi, I was just speaking with someone about directions on a prescription, may I please just have her name so I can document the change on the rx for legal purposes?

Other Lady: Ohh. Sure it's Retarda.

MNR: Thanks much, may I ask, is she a nurse?

OL: No, she's an R.N.

MNR: You mean R.N. as in a Registered Nurse?

OL: Yeah, that's right.

MNR: You have quite a tight ship over there.

It appears that nobody in this office understand basic communication. I'll spare the rest, but it ends with the doctor calling back and the nurse chewing on a big shit-filled burrito of shame. Recognize, biznatch, R to the Ph.