A Happy Medium

That's all I crave, heck that's all anybody craves. The exception would be manic depressives, that is; they crave divalproex sodium. Throughout the day, my staff and I are challenged by a plethora of left field-type questions. Here are the top three products that I can't make up that were actually asked for within the last week:

1. "Melatonin PM"
2. Arthritis Gloves
3. Mint capsules

Now, without explanation, these seem to be on the harmless side. Let's pause for just a second and think: Who would request these items and what would they look like? Let's just let that simmer for a moment.

Still cooking.....

Almost......

Did you come up with a mental image?

1. "Melatonin PM" may or may not exist. I don't have it and it's not in my computer system. According to the somewhat sleep deprived and strung out fifty-something, it DOES exist and has melatonin, PINEAPPLE, and some other exotic fruit that I can't remember. I think it was papaya, mango, or guava; something to that extent. Now, I do understand buying melatonin, it's a good choice, but the fruits? Really?
2. A smoke-smelling man who just lit up in his car or other confined non-ventilated space smokily asked me where the "arthritis gloves" his aged mother had seen "on the TV" would be. I honestly had no response. I just looked aimlessly at the incontinence products (which is the aisle I happened to be in) and waited for him to smokily speak again. "Yeah, she said she saw 'em on the TV." I think he smokily covered that in the first "query," but this didn't seem to be going anywhere. They didn't magically appear next to the Depends, so I said: "aaaaaaaaahhhhh, what were they now?" He took the hint and smokily walked away.
3. Mint capsules. Capsules, but filled with mint. She "usedta get 'em," but could not provide a location. I'm assuming they are sold in the world of make believe, next to the gumdrop q-tips and the gummy worm oxycodone. Mint capsules. Someone actually asked me for mint capsules. Emphatically. I told her we had mint gum. "Ya chew it," was my advice.

The topper to the week was a very old man tappa tappa tapping on the counter. He apparently bathed in moth balls earlier in the day. Maybe this was part of his weekly ritual, I don't know. Anyhow, he wanted dental products from sometime between 1940 and 1984. Astring-o-sol is apparently made famous by Joey Eastwood, who must be long dead. Google didn't bring up anything other than a bunch of Joey Eastwoods not related to this crap at all. The second thing he wanted was Topol. Now, if anyone smoked in the 80s (like my dad) then you'll remember "Topol, the smoker's toothpaste." I had no idea this was still made. Maybe the arthritis gloves guy might find it useful. Why father time needed these specific items is beyond me. The advances in these products are stocked neatly in the dental aisle. I made no mention of it to him, I had a hunch he was somewhat set in his ways. People who smell like a cedar closet tend to be a little on the finicky side of the equation. I wouldn't want to be around when the "cabana wear" comes out. That's gotta be slightly pungent. I freaking hate moth balls. Just live and let live, man. I've been around long enough to have moth-ridden clothes, but have never had them. Let's just say my closet is probably not as well thought out as this guy's closet. I really see no need to bring moth balls into a house. Moths gotta eat too.

You see, the "happy medium" I'm looking for is an ounce of common sense. I don't know all the ins and outs of an automobile, but I don't go to a repair shop and ask if they have "muffler trim" or "radio knob glitter" or something ridiculous like that. I've learned that most things have a replacement and move on with life just a little tiny bit less satisfied. It's not necessary to hold on to dental relics - just look in the dental aisle. There is an oasis of products. There's actually a product called "Oasis," as a matter of fact. I'm sure if he doesn't use these products that the ladies will say: "wait, moth balls, minty, yet smoky toothpaste, and......mint? You usually smell like moth balls, minty, yet smoky toothpaste and myrrh! No kisses for you!"

Yeah, that's what I thought. A happy medium. Just try to be nice and ask sensible questions in a time sensitive manner. A happy medium. The highs and lows of (allegedly) fictitious products has me craving......

A happy medium.