Let's Make a Deal.....

Remember that show? Now it's been remade with Wayne Brady or Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne) or Urkel or something. I like to play the pharmacy version, myself. I'd like to stroke my ego here and say I'm the "Monty Hall" in the pharmacy version.

Pick-up Window#1: The Oxycontin guy on crutches that smells like weed/booze/cologne all at the same time.

He presents with a "subscription," usually wrinkled, and has a long story about why he's prepared to pay cash. Except when asked for I.D. and then has a longer story about why he doesn't have it. Until, that is, you tell him no 50 cents, no Coke. Then he forgot; it's been in his front pocket all along! "How forgetful of me," he says.

Drop-off Window #2: The no-speak-a-da language guy with two names sans vowels and an insurance card that just says "Preferred Gold America Standard" or something to that extent.

S/he presents with "dis piece of da paper for the drug" and barely speaks English. Now, they may or may not have Medicare, Medicaid, some from of insurance you've never seen or just think they get it free because they have a prescription. It will take no longer that "I wait heeere" to get it ready and they undoubtedly smell like some type of food made with seaweed, curry, garlic and fish. Then, upon review of the prescription, there's no date on the (insert controlled substance here) prescription.

Drive-Thru Window #3: They simultaneously have sped into and pushed the call button while still rolling down their window while lighting a smoke and taking a call on their cell.

The call button has you now in a dimension of pissed you didn't know you were capable of. Upon waiting on the customer, they tell you they are "picking up and dropping off" and then have rolled up their window. They can't get the "drop off" under the metal bar and have flung the "subscription" angrily into the drawer. Luckily, it didn't blow away (this time). You ask for an address and they have no idea what that is. Then you look at the drop off and it is written for something that doesn't exist. Let's say......"Serax 10 mg." You explain this scenario and they ask if another pharmacy will have it in stock. Hmmm. "Can't you just fill it?," they ask. You assure them you'll have to call the "prescriber" (seriously, Serax 10, c'mon dude) and verify what the fuck they were thinking/smoking. And around and around.

So, which door do you pick? Honestly, I'd have to take whatever door has the donkey. I'd much rather deal with a donkey than these three mutants. Must go drink beer now, losing power.

Next time: Pharmacywood Squares. It'll take a while - Jm J. Bullock does not easily translate to the pharmacy world.