"The Call"

I think every member of pharmacy personnel has received "the call." You know, the dreaded one. I'm going to paint a picture; you may want to put on a smock. Remember in second grade and the art teacher had you bring in your Dad's old shirt to put on backwards? Well, the following scenario is a little less comfortable, but equally as frustrating as trying to keep on an oversized backwards oxford.

The time: always 4:59 p.m.

The person: almost always the bored housewife or retired housewife (sorry ladies)

The task: obtain (insert drug that could wait until tomorrow but really can't because everything is an emergency when you stare at the wall all day or watch grass grow or wash the same dish repetitively) a refill

The problem: there is always more than one problem at that given time

If you've been to a doctor's office, then you probably realize they close at 5 p.m. (for the most part). The "nurses" or "employees" that work there obviously have no fucking idea about the posted hours on their glass doors. If they did, I wouldn't want to beat somebody with my phone receiver after I get "the call."

You know what "the call" is if you're in the profession. In fact, you're probably trembling with anticipation. You know I'm gonna light this fucker up and send it into the clouds. We'd all like to blow something up when we get "the call." With out further delay, here is "the call" :

Me: PharmacymayIhelpyou? (I'm so busy it's all one word)

Bored Housewife: Uhhhhh, yeahhhh, uhhhh I've been on hold, ugh for 10 minutes.....

I'm going to interrupt the "conversation" here. First, "bored housewife" will be shortened to B-HO for the remainder of this "conversation." Secondly, why is the universal amount of time that somebody lies about always 10 minutes. It's without fail, always, always, always 10 minutes. In the drive-thru, behind the old lady, on the phone, wandering the cough/cold section, no matter. "I've been doing such-and-such for 10 minutes!" No you haven't and stop lying. I'm putting this out as an edict to squelch the 10 minute rule. Just suck it up, life is a wait.

Me: What can I help you with, I am juggling many phone calls/questions/waiting prescriptions/drivers-thru all at the same time?

B-HO: What? Anyway, MY doctor says you HAVE to call him...
Me: You mean they'd LIKE me to call them?
B-HO: What? No. He says, well not him, but his nurse says you have to call.
Me: Well, that was quite kind of them to lend my time and services. I'd be glad to call them, but aren't they closing in a few minutes?
B-HO: Oh, yes. They said to call RIGHT AWAY, because they're going home.
Me: Well, I'll do the best I can, I have many things in front of your call on the docket right now. Hopefully they won't go home just yet.
B-HO: Oh, no. You have to call them IMMEDIATELY. They said you have to.
Me: Okay, ma'am. I don't HAVE to call anybody. I will call them, but if they are too lazy to pick up the phone, then beggars can't be choosers. I, as a chooser, however, am begging you to let me go so I may call the office and tend to the business at hand.
B-HO: When can I pick it up? It better not be too long, I've got a roast in the.....
Me: I'll call you when it's ready (click).

That's the gist of the exchange, you've all lived it. There are a few variances, but that is the basic ebb and flow to "the call." As we all know, however, "the call" has many layers of piss-me-off flavors.

Upon calling the doctor's office, you talk to "Peggy" or "Kathy." They, in turn, have no fucking clue why you are calling. Questions like: Who's the patient? What do they need? What's the date of birth again? pervade the conversation. It typically ends up with them calling you back. The irony is hauntingly reflective of the health care industry. One hand doesn't know what the other is doing and truly doesn't care.

In the meantime (meantime = within 15 minutes) B-HO calls back.

B-HO: So'd ya get it??????
Me: No, your doctors...
*Interrupting* B-HO: What do you mean?????
Me: They said they have to call me back.
B-HO: Why? They said to just have you call......

I'd like to personally thank every doctor's office that has ever pulled this shenanigan. I do hope that your giant, block-like fingers will undergo successful surgery one day that will allow you to properly dial a phone. They do make phones with enormous numbers on them, look into it. I also pray your taxing form of dyslexia will be overcome by the years of therapy, allowing you to call me. Then again, maybe you are just the laziest thing on the planet. It's not hard. Just call me when you know what you're calling in. Better yet: it's 2010. There's these things called computers, like the one I'm using now, that can assist you. I know that you are not reading this, for rotary phones don't have screens. What you could do is e-scribe, fax, or even give the patient a written rx at their appointment. You've already been put on notice, don't make me do it again.