Coupons, Vouchers, Checks and Torture

I freaking hate drug coupons. I don't generally toss the word hate around like a Frisbee, but the makers of dermatologics and proton pump inhibitors (read: really expensive Prilosec OTC) need to check themselves. There seems to have been a recent influx of said coupons and/or vouchers with some annoying repercussions. Mostly, these things are impossible to bill.

There's always some hitch in the giddy-up with them:

• wrong person code/no person code/other person code/person code person code
• program has expired (but the rejection says something like "coupon fire limits observed/invalid doctor plans")
• coupon is expired ("but the doctor said to just give it to you and it'd be free")
• voucher/coupon is for a completely unrelated drug
• person is on some type of federal assistance - really, what's the difference? No, we as the government feel that it is imperative that people worse off than us remain worse off than us.
• the processor has changed
• the wrong pharmacy helplessdesk number is on the card
• no pharmacy helplessdesk number is on the card
• and so on

There is actually a program out there that will reduce your copay if it is 25 dollars or over and will reduce nothing if it is under 25 dollars. There is a very confusing matrix explaining this fucking nightmare (almost didn't swear - oh well). I'm not going to reveal the name of the drug, but it rhymes with schmexium. You won't find the information at furplepill.schlom, either.

The biggest problem I have is the blank stare received when, not if, something goes awry with a discount card/coupon/voucher. Because the doctor told them that their drug will be free, then it MUST be so. Why would the doctor tell me this? I don't know, to placate you, maybe? The fun part is you will shit on me because you have some sort of public assistance and can't use your card/pon and won't say shit to the doctor who promised you the world.

Oh, I almost forgot the checks. Old people, just give it up. One would think being so close to death would expedite payment processes. Not so much, it turns out. Get a bank card, credit card, cash, Amex gift card or something. Pay me in fucking seashells if you must. I can't waste the time to tell you what the day is, how to spell the name of my establishment, repeatedly tell you the total and remind you to scribble your signature all at the same time. Look, just sign the fucking thing and give it to me. The computer will do the rest. Unless, that is, I'm now so flustered with check-writing angst that I forget to hit "enter" to print the check and the stupid check thingee spits it back out somehow more blank than when it went in (after jiggling and cajoling and hitting it). Now I have to hand it back to you and explain that the register is malfunctioning. Hey, look, I wasn't the asshole writing the check, okay. Odds are, if you're doodling a check to me in this day and age, you'll believe the machine is evil rather than I'm careless. Now you have the blank check in your mitts. "Do I keep this?" No. "Why did you give it back?" Just fill out the missing infor- "Why is it blank? - the computer was supposed to - oh, dear!?"

See what I mean?